Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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