After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
zippers are such a cool invention
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dear god my vagina.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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