I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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