I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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