sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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