Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
