if i can run in heels then i can drive
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
