Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
