The best revenge is premature balding
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
