I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
