Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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