Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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