Someone shit on the floor
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
