You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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