I've blown a few things in my day
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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