True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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