He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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