Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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