I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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