I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
