I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
