Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
