I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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