girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
