Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
