I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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