I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
