I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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