Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
