dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
