I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
