last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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