I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
