I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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