He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize