why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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