i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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