so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
