You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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