Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My feet surprised me
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