guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
