Jerry, you need to find god
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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