it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
