Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
id be glad to
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
