woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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