If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
