Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
