God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
