Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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