if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
