Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
