you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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