i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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