im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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