Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
