I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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