I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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