No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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