i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
