just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize