you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize