Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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