When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
