I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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