and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
