The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
