Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
