he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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